thecurvature:

grrspit:

And in fact, I know a few people who aren’t even of that size or color or culture who have successfully defended themselves against men and have been labelled the aggressor.  But you know, they weren’t the “perfect” victims so it wasn’t right for them to fight back. 

See also, much of the rhetoric involving the Eminem/Rihanna video where the lower-class white couple illustrate a domestic abuse situation.

(Although, in my personal experience, and from being on the receiving end of many jokes about not wanting to cross me, even though in reality I’m quite non-confrontational so I don’t know where people are getting that from other than my appearance, being big and black and foul-mouthed gets you labelled as the aggressor more often.)

Successfully defending yourself from abuse isn’t being aggressive. It’s self-defense.

This reminds me very much of the Tammi Terrell Unsung special. During the segment where they were discussing David Ruffin abusing her, one of the jackasses they interviewed said “I asked David, ‘Did you throw Tammi down the stairs?’ And he told me, “Man, she kicked my ass.’”

That has haunted me ever since.

Let’s put aside the fact that, considering the extraordinary height differential, I find it highly unlikely that Tammi ever got the best of David physically. In fact, let’s assume that she did kick his ass. The response remains incredibly remarkable for two reasons: 1. David’s answer completely and purposefully avoids the question that was asked (did he throw her down the stairs) and 2. It deliberately sets up her self-defense as equal to if not worse than his aggression.

In other words “Who cares if I threw her down the stairs? She’s just as bad as me, because she tried to stop me from hurting her.”

It’s an incredibly common tactic of minimization by abusers. One that, as we’re seeing, other people are more than willing to perpetuate for them.